I can't tell you how much I hate cancer. I'm getting real reeeeal sick of it. It just hit Carlee, my third sister to get it. I have only three sisters. Three of my three sisters have gotten cancer.

It hit Lindsay about four years ago. Katie finished up treatment one year ago. Now, about two months ago, Carlee was diagnosed. All with lymphoma. Lindsay and Katie had the exact same kind of lymphoma: Nodular lymphocyte-predominant Hodgkin lymphoma. Carlee's is different. I'm not even sure exactly the type but I think it's peripheral T-cell lymphoma.

Katie and Lindsay went through treatment and were sick as can be. It was a horrible, horrible time. Now it's happening all over again, but worse. About a month ago, I took Carlee to one of her chemo treatments. They took her vitals and found that she had a fever. So they put her in the hospital for two days and postponed chemo. Well about two weeks ago she had another fever. They put her in the hospital for ten stinkin days. She has been so so weak and tired and feeling like crap all the days. They found out that the fever was being caused by the cancer, meaning that the two months of chemotherapy hadn't been working and the cancer had spread. They switched her to a different kind of chemo and it. better. work.

I have never been so scared in my entire life. And I'm pretty sure everyone in my family would say the same thing. I hate watching my best friends (who are my sisters) in so much pain and not being able to do anything about it. It's a horrible, helpless feeling. It doesn't seem fair that this is happening. Obviously. Nothing is fair, that's just how life goes. I know other families go through a lot harder things but man, I don't know how they make it. 

It's hard to trust that God knows what He is doing, but it's really the only thing that can get us through this. If I didn't know that God was aware of our situation and that He has a plan for each of us, this hard time would be a whole lot harder.


the lid.

why don't people shut the toilet lid after using it?

i know boys don't like to even put the seat down, let alone the lid. for example, my brother. every time he comes to visit, he leaves the seat up. mostly on purpose to get us girls all riled up. but i'm not asking more of men than of women. i think EVERYONE should put the lid down. 
seal that toilet up, if you will.

there are plenty of reasons for this logic. it does seem to be logic applicable to my family only, as i have had many roommates over the years who don't understand/apply it. many toilet lids have been left up over the years and it is not pleasing unto my nose/eyes.

reasons to put the toilet lid down:

1. it's totally unsanitary to leave it open! why would you leave something like that wide open, for all the germs to escape?! most people don't clean their toilet after every use, so.

2. it seals in smells. many a roommate has left the lid up, put the bathroom fan on, and left on their jolly way. little did they know that they could accelerate the diminishing of that smell by, gee golly, closing the toilet lid. how does nobody understand that? close the lid, trap the smell, save a nose.

3. it's like a black hole. the bathroom is full of so many items. makeup, blow dryer, bobby pins, your phone, toothbrush, etc. if you drop something in an open toilet whilst getting ready, it's gone. goodbye. farewell. either that or you have to reach your hand in and retrieve whatever you dropped. i daresay that's just as bad. your relationship with that item is either over or forever changed. 

4. it looks nicer when it's closed. when you walk into a bathroom that has the toilet seat up, it looks sloppy. am i right ladies? just the same, when the toilet lid is up, it looks sloppy. it's not aesthetically pleasing. it looks like something that is open should be closed. almost like someone forgot something. as if someone forgot to put the lid down.

so there you go. four reasons to close the toilet lid. as if you needed more than one.

this is an issue! this is an outrage! this is something that needs to be talked about!



Yesterday at church, I met a girl in my ward. She shook my hand as we introduced ourselves. Correction, she put her hand out, I grabbed it and shaked, and she dead fished it.

Shaking another girl's hand really is a horrible thing. Girls don't know how to give a proper handshake! Like, just get a firm grip and shake. It's fairly easy. I was at my cousin's wedding last week and I had never met his new wife, but I just gave her a hug. It's just not worth the dead fish. But, I guess the trade off is a dead fish hug, which was what was given.

Anyway, isn't it like a universal unwritten rule that girls don't shake girl's hands?! I thought it was. Many a time have I met a group of people, guys and girls, where I shake a guy's hand but not the girl's. It's just a thing.

I remember one time in college I was at the gym with this guy I had a mad crush on and was really good friends with. We ran into this other girl who also had a mad crush on him. I didn't like her, for obvious reasons. She acted like she didn't know my name or who I was, even though I lived next door. She gave me a handshake and I disliked her even more.

Girls don't shake girl's hands. This unwritten rule has now been written.


some crazy

There's a crazy in my ward. Actually, there's many. However, there is one crazy in particular that I wish to speak of. I wish I could say his name, because that would only add to my point. But for my own personal safety, I won't.

Crazy was the first person to greet me in my new ward. Crazy asked me out, acquired my number, and invited me to a bbq. I went to the bbq and he seriously was like my shadow. 

He. would. not. leave. my. side.

I told him later that I didn't want to go out with him and that he made me extremely uncomfortable at the bbq. I confided in my roommates and they said to steer clear.

I ignored him for a while. He took a little breaksy from me (still texting me weekly) and bothered other girls. But then he struck again. At a ward softball game he sat WAY too close. I told him to scoot over. I needed my personal space. I also told him, after him giving me 7-8 hugs at FHE one night, that I would now be enforcing a one-hug-a-night limit. He said that he needed to give me one more hug because I would be out of town. I said, "H no," and I'm pretty sure my ward saw it all. 

He asked me who I was texting. "You probably text other boys a lot, don't you? You never text me back." 

Yep, you're right.

"We should do something. I have Taylor Swift tickets..."
"I don't care for her."
"We should go to Lagoon."
"I work."
"What about Wednesday? We should do something."
"I have institute."
"Let's do something after institute!"
"I have plans."
"Fine, but we have to so something soon."
"Crazy, I don't want to go out with you."
"You went out with THAT guy..." (Referring to another guy in the ward).

I didn't really say that last part, but c'mon! 

The one thing that brings me comfort, but also doesn't, is that he does this to every new girl. I always feel so bad when I see his new victim. Some aren't as strong and he gets them. I've honestly never seen anything like it. It's like, um, no.


to be fit

I was talking to some strange guy in my newish ward a few weeks ago. We spoke of sports and races and being athletic and the like. He asked me if I did races and I told him I had a half marathon coming up shortly. He told me about the tough mudder that he had done and he said, "You have to be extremely fit to do that."

So, cool. I guess that's a discrete, but actually not even kind of discrete, way of bragging. Slip in a little brag here, a little brag there...

It also made me wonder what ever would it be like to be fit.

I guess I'll never know cause, yeah, like I'm ever doing THAT race.


betrayal #2

a few weeks ago, my friend (who we'll call S) and i were excited to fly to pdx for a week of fun in the northwest. we landed, rented a car, drove over the columbia to vancouver and played bunco with betty, my second mom, and her friends. the next morning we hiked multnomah falls and climbed over log piles and through frigid waters to reach oneonta falls. it was awesome. when we were on our way to get ice cream at none other than salt 'n straw, in portland, she told me that her old 'boyfriend', C, wanted to see her. (they hadn't seen each other in over a year). he asked if we could double. i said f to the etch no, because i didn't want to hang out with a bunch of 20 year old boys, thanks. she was all frustrated at me, but sorry, that was never in our plan! i was already unimpressed with C. he was manipulative and his instagram photos showed much profane language and flipping of the bird. he told S to come over by herself then. he, of course, couldn't meet her somewhere or pick her up because he doesn't have a car. classy. we went to dinner and i got a PB burger (awwww yeah) and S asked if i could take her 30 minutes away to see C. i said that was unfair of her to ask that of me. she was ditching me on our vacation! we visited our old friend from the 'couve and S threw a bit of a fit, crying, and telling me that she never does things for herself, she only does things for other people and she just wants this one thing! i couldn't believe my ears, frankly.

the next day, to keep the peace, on our way back from the ape caves, i dropped her off at C's. C told her, "sure, come hang." he was upset at her for not coming over last night. he really is quite the classy man, as you no doubt can and will continue to see. luckily it was only 10 minutes from where we were staying. i told her i'd plan on about 2 hours and she said she'd text me. well, three hours went by without having heard back from her, so i went to portland with my friends; to the temple, dinner, and waffle window. it was a superb night.

S texted me as we were driving to portland telling me she was so sorry! i told her we'd come get her around 10:00. at 10:20, i texted her asking for C's address and telling her we were on our way.
"can you give me a few minutes?"
"no, we're almost there."
"can you pick me up in the morning?"
"ummmm no. we'll be there in a minute."
"i'll get a ride in the morning."
i then phoned her and told her it was trashy for her to sleep over at C's house. I could hear C in the background mocking me saying, "that's trashy!" S told me she was actually at target, and not at C's house at all! what. the. freak. could you not have told me that when i told you we were on our way.
i then told her 'whatever' and hung up on her.

i didn't hear from her until 4:30 the next day after i had attended our friend's homecoming solo and walked around lacamas lake solo, all of which were plans we had made together. i was seriously chapped, so i changed my flight and flew out that night.

she texted me at 4:30 telling me she was at dinner with her aunt. then she said all chipper, "hey! do you want me to bring you back dessert?!" as if dessert would make me forget her ditching me for over 24 hours on a trip we had planned together. i said, "nope! i'm at the airport! laterz!"

she said she was sorry for how things turned out. she never apologized for her actions and still hasn't. talk about a major back stabbing on a trip that was supposed to be the best trip everrrr.

i do seem to choose quality friends, ya know?

ps, this is actually a completely true story. it's not even exaggerated in the least. so, gotta love my lyphe.


betrayal #1

so i had this friend, a best friend, if you will. or so i thought. we were super tight for years in college and still fairly close after i expired from my college days.

three years ago, i found out that my little sister had cancer (hodgekins lymphoma). i told this friend, we'll call her L. i told her one summer night after she had cried to me about a boy not liking her who she thought she had been dating for three weeks. turns out they never even dated. she sympathized with me. not two weeks later, she dropped the horrible news of her mother having breast cancer. as weeks went by, i asked about her mom. L said she didn't know because her mom didn't tell her anything. her mom didn't want anyone to know and didn't want L to be sad. (interesting). she claimed that her mom was doing very bad and feared that she was going to die. she would tell me these things at very inconvenient times for me, when i couldn't hang out with L or when i had a test to study for. she would show up at my house and demand to speak to me privately. i started to disbelieve what she was telling me. she'd come over to my house acting all sad about her mom. she called me out once for not sympathizing and not even caring! i could sense some manipulation.

as time went on, my sister started growing a touch of hair. she had a wig and L's mom finished treatments about the same time. L posted pictures with her mom and i knew it wasn't a wig! i asked her about it and she said it was a wig. a while later, another picture was posted. i asked L about it and said she had extensions and a wig. i knew this to be false but it was just such a huge accusation! but alas, i decided i was sure enough that she had made it all up and asked her if she had ever lied to me about her mom.
her response, "dude, what the heck?"
"just tell me."

the next day she had blocked me and my sisters all from all social media. what a confession!
i texted her and told her i couldn't believe she would lie about something so huge. ESPECIALLY to someone who has a family member going through that. she told me to 'feel free' to delete her number.

coward is a word that comes to mind.

and that is the very true story of how my 'friend' lied to me for years about her mother having cancer.

oh, and last week i was in an instute class. a bunch of girls came in late and sat in the back. a while later, i looked back to see who was talking. and down the row was L herself! we made eye contact, and she immediately looked away. not ten minutes later, she was gone. this is just a hunch, but i'm betting she felt quite uncomfortable in my presence, knowing that she lied a horrific lie and never owned up.

just fyi, i'm not particularly bitter about this incident. although, it is very difficult to forgive someone who isn't sorry in the least. but it's just such a cray story, i had to finally write about it. obviously, very condensed.