turns out.

So remember George? Well, turns out he doesn't mind weird people like myself. In fact, turns out he likes them. Also, turns out his name is really Brian. But I'm sure he wouldn't mind being called George. 

On Friday we went to Ensign Peak to watch the sunset. We hiked the treacherous trail to the top. 15 whole minutes of hiking! There were tons of little kids and families at the top learning all about how pioneers came to that spot long ago and then Utah became a thing.

As it got darker, the kids started leaving. Then there were couples everywhere just waiting for it to get dark so they could start making out. We decided to be hipsters and go against the mainstream, so we left. Once it got dark, all the city lights were on and I loved it. You can see the whole daggum valley! Pictures were hard to get due to low shutter speed making it blurry. But don't worry, I got some good pictures of the sunset.

And also a hottie hottie (see below on left).

So anyways.

life lessons: on being a man

I am convinced I would be twice the man as most men if only I was a man (relating to dating). But I’m not, which is really quite fine. I just wish men would do their duties and not try to push them onto women.

The following are tips for men that should be common sense but became not so common of sense lately because of men becoming lazy. I have learned that men don't do these things from personal experience. And it is not appreciated.

1. Never ask a girl on a date over text. It's offensive. And also I don't really consider it a date cause it's like, how am I supposed to know it's a date? Then I'm all confused and then it turns out it is a date and then it's annoying that you couldn't actually call to ask.

2. Never take a girl bowling on one of your first dates. No one likes bowling dates. I've gone on countless bowling dates and they all just mesh together.

3. Don't get the girl's door when you pick her up then not get it later, like after dinner. It's trickery; making us women think you're somethin special. Once you get her door once, you have to commit. You have to get it every time. And if you never get it, then you're not a worthy date.

4. Don’t try to give a girl your number or tell her to text or call you. This guy recently said to me, "I'll give you my number so you can text me and we can do something." I called him out on that and he ended up getting my number, but it was already a large strike against him.

5. Pay with your card because it's awkward when the girl has to sit there watching you sort through your cash.

6. Don't be late for a date. Even five minutes. If you're running late, call her right away.

7. Don't be awkward.

So there you go. I promise you, if you take these tips to heart, your dating life will be much enriched.

life lessons: shoes

I have a thing for shoes. I have a really big thing for shoes on men. I would take a less attractive man with good shoes over a more attractive man with horrid shoes (in theory). Why? Because the shoes make that less attractive man way more attractive. And also, shoes say a lot about a person. I have shoes ranked in order of horridness to hello-ness.

First, the ugly tennis shoe. If you wear these on a daily basis that's an automatic three strikes. These are only acceptable at the gym or when hiking. They are never acceptable with any jeans under any circumstances. Don't go there.

Next, the nice looking running shoe. Okay yeah, these are good looking shoes fo sho. But they are for sporty activities or a casual day with basketball shorts. They just don't compliment jeans and jeans don't compliment them.

Chucks. These were so a thing a few years ago. But now only musicians with tattoos, nose rings, and girl pants wear these and it's just horrid. There are some men that can pull them off. But it's still my number 20 choice.

TOMS. These shoes are super cute for girls. But they look a little silly on men. Like slippers. There are versions of TOMS that have laces. Those are mucho a better option.

These Puma's are okay. Like, I won't hold it against you if you wear them. But I won't do a double take.

High tops will toootes get a second glance from me. 

And a third and a loooong fourth.

Vans are excellent. Men that wear these just have style. Yesterday I was sitting in institute and a guy came in late. I looked back but could only see his feet. He was wearing these and when I saw his face, lo and behold he was hawt. I knew it from the second I saw his shoes.

These strap puma's are just as good as vans.

If you wear any shoes like the following, I will automatically be attracted to you. Looks or no looks. It's just a thing. These are pretty much 10/10. 

So you see, it's important what you put your feet in. If you wear the ugly tennis shoe, people won't date you. Okay that's not true, but I won't date you. So if that's not a threat, then go ahead and wear them.

hey

i hate those texts. the ones that just say, "hey". like, you don't say hey or hello over text. you say it when you are walking past someone. texting is for things that have a purpose. and 'hey' does not have a purpose. and so if someone texts me, "hey," then my reply will not be happening.

texting conversations suck, unless it's with megan or rachel or good friends. but if it's some boy that you don't know that well yet, then why don't they just take you out and you can have your texting conversation over dinner? 

prove it.

you know how when you play sports with boys, they never pass the ball to you if you're a girl?

it's a thing that all boys do, without exception.

it's a thing that i hate about boys.

k yeah, boys have a gender advantage. they don't have to work as hard to be as good at sports. but that just means that if a girl is equally as good at a sport as a boy is, then the girl really is better because she had to work three times as hard to get there. just saying.

the other night i played ultimate frisbee with a bunch of people, boys and girls. we had captains and they picked who they wanted on their team. of course, the boys were picked first, then the girls. i was last because nobody really knew me. at first, i ran up and down the field a few times, only really touching the frisbee when i ran to steal it or block it. eventually some of the boys hesitantly threw the frisbee to me. i missed a few passes, but not because of something i did wrong. they threw the frisbee too high or too far. but of course, it looks like i made the mistake. mostly because i'm a girl. if i had been the one throwing it and the boy missed it then it would have been my fault.

after proving myself 4 or 5 times (and they were good provings, such as getting the winning point, stealing the frisbee, etc) i was the first girl picked when we got new teams! how exciting! the first girl! the worst boy was picked before me. and trust me, i was better than him. not only was i better than him, but most of the girls were better than him. honestly, in this group of people, i wouldn't say that the boys were any better than the girls. it's just a thing though. boys just think that boys are always better. they're cocky.

i shouldn't have to prove myself, but i guess i'll always have to.

good thing i'm good.

skinny jean

Tonight at work we served food to a bunch of hillbilly, john deere, elk-lovin men. They had an auction and a drawing for guns, hunting gear, and other fancy toys.
The auctioneer kept making remarks about men wearing skinny jeans.
He said if you had skinny jeans and you won something, you were disqualified.
What a bitter, bitter man.

This led to a conversation among my coworkers. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one out of about 14 people who like skinny jeans. This comes as no surprise, as I am the only one
with some sense of style at work.
I've had three different men ask me to go pants shopping with them. Just a wild guess, but it's probably because I have good taste. Unfortunately I couldn't go with one,
but I converted the other two to skinny jeans and let me tell you....

dddddaang.

Their attractiveness intensified tenfold.

The other day I was at Cafe Rio with three guys. One of them asked the others if they thought I would wear the pants in a relationship. He and another agreed that I would. And the other said,
"She would wear the jeggings."

Pants are everything, my friends.

Disclaimer: Obviously, I do think I have good style. I mean, if I didn't, then I wouldn't wear what I wear. But this post exaggerates my cockiness. So take that how you will.

men

why can't more men be gentle? like, a gentleman?
...walk a girl home at night.
...open her car door.
...drive when you go places together so she doesn't have to.
...have a two sided conversation.
girls will like you more. it's just a thing.

gatsby

Last night I went to a Great Gatsby party at one of the frats (the mormon frat), SigEp.

 It was pretty stellar. I went with Chaise, Mark, Jaron, and Keaton.

My roommate, Katie, did my makeup all awesome and I did my hair, which I was totes proud of. I got that fur coat and a feather and got all dressed up. That was probably the best part

One day, I wanna live in the 20's and dress up all classy and go to fancy parties and drink mocktails with gentlemen in suits and vests.

 

At the party, there were tons of mocktails, which Mark and I had like ten each, and we tasted each others too. That's like twenty each.  As you can see we found it rather funny...

 

We danced for hours, not Gatsby style. 2012 style. 

And we even played a little blackjack! 

Here's some more pics for your viewing pleasure...

novembeard

it's back. we're only on day 2, but it's back at last.

this is a great month for girls like me, who love beards. it's a shame it only comes along one month out of twelve. for some sad reason men have this idea in their minds that women hate facial hair and so they need an excuse like no shave november to grow one. whoever the girl was that made that up should never be able to shave again.

i do know of some girls that like to do no shave november.

they're pretty vocal about it, which is kind of weird to me.

i mean, i wouldn't want anyone to know if i had a mustache to shave.

but, maybe it's their legs they're talking about?

beau

Today I was feeling pretty fiesty at work, I guess. We did a buffet for a youth conference. There's these fork dispensers where you just push a notch and a fork comes out. The kids found them fascinating.

One boy in particular was like,

 'Whoa! These are so cool! 

Are these fork dispensers your guys' main attraction?'

I looked at him and said,

'No... I am.'

As he walked away he read my name tag and said,

'Emily... I don't have a name tag.... but my name's Beau.'

fiyah!

recently, i've noticed an increase in guys chasing after me.

also recently, i've noticed my hair permanently smells like fire. thanks to weekly bonfires.

so then i thought, those two things probably relate, right?

that would explain so much.

for instance,
the other night, after a bonfire, i went over to apple pi house (home of my friends, jake, andy, matt, andrew). all of us had gone bonfiring except for matt. when we walked in, i sat by him, and he instantly removed himself from the room, mumbling something about the smell. he's engaged. and this may be bold, but i'm pretty sure that he didn't want to be tempted by me sitting by him with my bonfire hair.

earlier that evening,
we were bonfiring it up at our friends, jeff and brett's house, we were all sitting around on chairs. one of jeff's friends came over. steve. now, we had been there for a good 30 minutes, so my hair was smelling rather firey. out of all the places he could have sat, he chose to sit by me! 

finally,
while at a friendly bonfire a week ago, a guy gave me a roasting stick. he then offered me a marshmallow to put on that stick. later, another guy offered me a mallow. and then another guy! i've never had that much attention in one night!

abc's

my friend, jake, brought a whole new light to the alphabet song.

also, i'm having bloggers block. 

hence the lack of blogging.

but whatevs.

i don't like you.

this morning i woke up infuriated.

this fury originated from last night, at a party. i was sitting down on the floor in the hallway talking to some people. this guy comes over and sits by me and we talk. i ask him his name, his major, where he lives, if he likes his roommates. we talk about his friends. he says something to my friend about not remembering her name. i ask, "are you bad with names?" (because i hate people that are 'bad with names'). he says, "no, i like to think i'm pretty good with names. but, i've reached my limit, so that in order for me to remember a new name, i have to push out an old name."

um, excuse me?

how arrogant does that sound.

we talk for 5 or 10 minutes, then he happily gets up and says, "i better get out of the way. people are stepping over me."

he didn't even ask me my name. it reminds me of that one time, here.

i know his whole life story. and he doesn't even know my name.

i don't like you, boy.

hunger games

I loved this book. I loved this movie.

I like Gale Hawthorne. He's just so attractive.

 It seems like most everyone I talk to loves Peeta.

Yes, Peeta is cute and sweet. But he's also short.
Gale is a man. And he is just the best.
He became even better when I saw him in the movie.
If you haven't read it or seen it, read it then see it.
Please.

mustache

i like mustache march. it gives men an opportunity to increase their classiness for a month. it doesn't seem to be as popular as novembeard, though. the nice thing about mustaches compared to beards is it's hard to have a patch-stache, while it's easy to have a patch beard. as a result, almost every man that participates in mustache march looks nice. many men who participated in novembeard grew patch beards and they looked horrid.

i only wish that women had theme months. like novembrow. where we didn't have to pluck our eyebrows. or pit-tober. where we didn't have to shave our pits. but, i guess those don't make us look better like mustache march and novembeard do.

all you mustache haters out there, back off.

you? psh, me.

This seems to be the theme of far too many men I know.

Boy walks up to me, hugs me. I ask how he is. He immediately proceeds to brag about his latest project/life experiences. Sometimes he even shows me a picture or video to demonstrate. I am interested, because I actually care about other people's lives, so I ask questions, smile, and act excited, because I am. We talk for a while then he starts to walk away as he finishes his last brag, not once asking me how I am or what's new with me.

I guess men have found out the secret of women.

We LOVE when men do that. 

In fact, we can't get enough of it.

All we want when we talk to a guy is for him to brag about his accomplishments and fun things he's been up to and then dash off, without a care.

It makes us feel special that he would care about us that much to tell us all those things about himself, that he trusts us enough to share that special information.

I can't remember the last time I was on a date where I didn't feel super special. This is because my date always made sure to brag about himself the whole time, and never bother to get to know me, because I would hate it if he got to know me.

I mean, what girl would ever want to talk to a guy that said,
"Hey, how are you?"
"What have you been up to?"
"It was great to talk to you."
"That's so cool that you did that!"

Not me.

I guess guys just understand us girls. They know we don't want them to get to know us. They know we don't like talking about ourselves. They know that the way to our heart is by talking about themselves for hours.


I am so grateful.


Disclaimer: I don't love talking about myself, I just wish it could be a little more two sided.

beardsley

Novembeard.

A great month for some men to look especially handsome.

And also a great month for more men than I ever realized could possibly look so patchy and foolish to look patchy and foolish.

I've never seen so much patchy fur as I did this Novembeard.

The thing is, a beard is supposed to be full and manly. There were way too many beard posers last month. And that is NOT full and manly.

According to a very reliable source, Wiki,

"a beard is the collection of hair that grows on the chin, cheeks and neck of human beings".

Notice how it does not say, "a beard is patches of hair that grows on the chin, cheeks, and neck of human beings."

I just want to go up to one of those patch beards and say, "Hey Beardsley! What the ... is on your face?! This is Novembeard. Patchtober was last month."

Thankfully, Deshaveber came so every patch beard is no more.

utah?

Sometimes you go on a cruise where there is an extremely handsome British male crew member who has a really nice accent and works at the Flowrider where you go every day on that cruise. And sometimes said hot British man helps you get on the rider since you've never done it before. And sometimes you think about that man, "What would it be like to be that good looking?"

And then you wonder,
"Why do I live in Utah?"